I have to answer this question countless times a day. Usually I reply with somthing like “hanging in there”, “up and down”, “as good as can be expected” or even maybe “I don’t know”.
But how am I really? Devastated.
Last week I was numb. This week all the pain is crashing down on me. Sometimes I just have a hard time even feeding the kids or paying attention to them. Ben and Julia are both sick – fever, stuffy nose, cough – so I’ll have to take them to the doctor tomorrow.
So this death occurs and it’s this crazy, traumatic event that stomps on your heart and stirs up all these emotions in you that you can’t control. On top of that, you have all these details to get your life in order, like taking her name off of the bills, etc., which often means telling people over and over “My wife died last week”. Even further, now you have to try and create a new life of routines and choices from where you are at, which just by itself would be a mountain of a task.
Don’t forget that the person who knew you best, your best friend, maybe the only person who ever lived that really understood you, now that person is gone. You can’t call them when you are having a hard time. They don’t offer to give you a night off to regain your faculties. Not even a kind word, a touch, nothing.
By nature I seek to comfort people. So these people call and are devastated by her passing but how can I take those emotions on myself? I can’t. But I also can’t turn off my empathy. So where do you go with that?
I’ve been praying, but maybe not enough. I’ve been reading the bible, but maybe not enough. I don’t know. I know He has been inspiring me though cards (got a really great one today) and love of my neighbors. When I’m around people, I can just feel the love from them. One lady stopped me in the parking lot today to tell me she has bags of clothes and toys for my kids. Amazing.
As I was sitting at Anita’s desk today, she had this back of a notepad that she scribbled on while she was on the phone. It was covered with doodles. Right on the bottom left side was written John 5:1-4. So I looked it up.
5:1 Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. 2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. 4 For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
Anita believed in Him and followed Christ. She has overcome the world! These amazing messages are EVERYWHERE around me.
I spoke with a woman last night and she was really broken up. She’s alone in a new town with few friends an no trusted ones really. She did join a church on Sunday, which was a great step for her I think. She was questioning her life and decisions, but I told her to embrace life and follow her path.
Where do we go from here? I don’t know exactly. But In my more lucid moments I know that we can’t fixate on the bad. The devil wants to to do exactly that. For now we can grieve, scream, cry, throw ourselves ot the ground, but also worship, love, and laugh. Stir that up, smooth it out and one of these days we will have climbed that mountain.
FYI, writing helps me focus. I am not as together as I may sound…
Greg, I have been reading through your “blog” and although I never met your wife, I feel like, through your desciptions and your obvious love for each other, I can sense the woman that she was. Not only an accomplished lawyer, but a godly woman who loved her family. I cannot imagine the sorrow that you feel, and have never been through something as hard as what you must be going through now.
I had a cousin that was 37, and killed in a car accident last Thanksgiving. I remember talking to his wife about exactly what you describe. The name changes on bills and such that makes it so real, too real. Words cannot give you the comfort that you need except for those words that you have been seeking by the One who alone can give us comfort while in the valley of the shadow of death. My cousin’s wife asked why something like this brings God glory, (even though my cousin was a pastor) it just doesn’t make sense to us.
Why her, why me, why now? My prayers are with you and your children. Continue to turn to God as He has the strength and comfort that you need as this time of incredible sorrow. -Jackie
Hi, Greg. You are right about the Devil wanting you to fixate (on absolutely anything and everything), but God does want you to grieve. I believe that with all my heart…b/c that surely puts us a bit closer to Jesus.
My family and I are praying for all of you and I will be dropping off a couple meals. Please let me know if you need anything else.
xoxo,
Dina Lettre
Greg,
I am a friend of Elicia’s and I just wanted to say that I think what your doing is a great way to keep Anita’s memory alive. Elicia talked a lot about Anita at work and I had the pleasure of getting to know her through Elicia’s eyes. After reading your blog it made me think about one of R.E.M.’s songs…please hang in there.
Everybody Hurts
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, ’cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on
‘Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone