I flipped open Anita’s bible tonight and found this index card:
Real love is an action, not a feeling.
Note at 1 John 3:16
1) Repent for your own transgressions.
2) Pray for those who harm you.
I remember the first time Anita laid that on me: love is an action, not a feeling. We were having one of our big conversations about life and God and everything. And she lays that on me. So…what? Not a feeling? How so? I love you. I feel love for you. I love my kids, my parents, my neighbors. What is that feeling if it’s not love?
Truthfully, I don’t think I digested it. But now I read the passage:
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16
Now to the notes: Real love is an action, not a feeling. It produces selfless, sacrificial giving. The greatest act of love is giving oneself for others. How can we lay down our lives? By serving others with no thought of receiving anything in return. Sometimes it is easier to say that we’ll die for others than to truly live for them – this involves putting others’ desires first. Jesus taught this same principle of love in John 15:13.
This reminds me a situation we were in back in Chicago about 9 years ago. Just before we adopted Ben, we both were working and Anita was making good money as an big firm lawyer. We wanted to help out someone who was struggling and very dear to us, so we spent a lot of money on things we thought would help. This made the person happy to get the stuff, but afterwards, Anita was really mad that we got no thank you or anything.
I know she prayed on it and she came back to me a day or two later and said, “From now on, when I give something, I’m not going to expect anything in return. If I loan money, I won’t expect it back. If I get it, that’s fine, but I won’t have that expectation.” I thought that made sense and from that point forward, that’s what we did.
Now back to this verse and notes…Love is an action, not a feeling. So, love is what you do. Anita was fond of saying “Love is a verb, not an adjective.” I never felt like she said it in a critical way to me or of others but more in a way to spur herself on to act in love.
Now, at the end of her life, I am sure there is a lesson in “lay down your life for your brothers.” I am not sure what that is yet, but will keep praying and searching.
The last line of her note can be pretty tough too. “Pray for those that harm you.” It seems to me that as a matter of human nature, the last thing we want to do when someone is harming us is pray for them. But I know she took inspiration in a little trick I developed.
I used to get really worked up when I was driving and people cut me off, drove recklessly near me, etc. (who doesn’t get mad?) I felt the road rage build in me and it was really unpleasing. So every time one of those things happened, I forced myself to say out loud, “I love you brother.” It helped calm me to proclain my universal love for man while being empathitic to the other driver. Why were they driving so crazy? Were they stressed? Late for work or a court date? Did they get in a fight with a loved one? I don’t know, but I can imagine a lot of reasons they were hurting and driving poorly. Maybe they were just not paying attention. But I don’t wish them ill will. Do I really want them to crash? No. What I want is for God to give them peace and keep them and those around them safe.
It’s a kind of small way to act it out (do people who cut you off = those that harm you?) but it’s my best illustration of her note. And when riding together, many times we shared an “I love you brother” moment.
Real love is an action, not a feeling. Anita hit that on the head, didn’t she? You always know that your parents love you, but do their actions say the same? We must be so very careful when we have children to be sure they know their parents love them. A harsh word, a put-down, name-calling, yelling your name loudly… so many things my own mother did that said to me “Mommy doesn’t love me.” I cried that to myself as a child. That’s why I’ve always felt it important to SAY the words as well as do the actions.
That bad driver? Maybe he or she just found out someone precious to them has gone to the hospital, was in a car accident… you get the drift. I pray for them. I pray they will make it safely to whereever they are going. And when I hear a siren or two? I pray then, too, because it means someone somewhere needs help. So the prayer isn’t only for the fast or reckless driver, it’s also for those hurrying to help someone with sirens blaring. One day I realized I was praying for so many others, I forgot to pray for myself to be in God’s care. I hope my son can learn from some of my actions and words, tell and show his children he loves them and that God does too.
Prayer: Thank you God for all you give us. Everything I have is yours, not just mere possessions, but my life and my family’s too. Take care of all of us, Lord. And when it’s time for you to call one of us to go over to your side, I pray we go laughing and celebrating. Yours is a happy place, God, and we’ll see Jesus. Just take care of those left behind who grieve their loss, and let them know that You, too, are showing Your love by actions. Just let us feel that love, too.
In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen
We don’t always understand why we have lost someone so important in our lives. God never promised any explainations for His actions. And He didn’t promise easy, either. Life has it’s ups and downs. Like in the movie “Parenthood”, the old grandma toward the end of the movie says something about how life is like a roller coaster. It has such huge ups and downs. And Steve Martin’s character is worn out from all the ups and downs, complaining to his wife. Then his wife very meekly turns to him and says, “But I LIKE the roller coaster!”
Real love is an action, not a feeling!