Anita graduated college in May 1993 and then moved to Philadephia for a post-grad program. I still had two years of college before I graduated, so we knew that at that point, we’d be done. We had enjoyed our time together (5 1/2 months) but were both sad for it to end. She took her things back to Bellevue and then was to board a train to New York where her brother was going to then take her to Philadelphia. She did not know her address or phone number in Philly and this was the days before email or cell phones. So we were mostly out of communication for a week – a looong week.
Before I knew her address, I wrote her letters every night, ending up about 28 pages of letters that week. This is the first of them. They are not particularly poetic, but I am struck by how strong and similar my feelings were at that time as they are now.
June 1, 1993, 11:18 pm
A –
I’m so lonely for you. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried already. I cried Saturday right before I called you the first time and you were all happy and chipper. I almost felt guilty for feeling sad already.
I was just re-reading most of the notes you’ve ever left me. I esp. like the napkin one left on my car, oooh…it still excites me a lot, just to think you could get that excited about me.
Saturday, after you left, I went to Twisters with Josh. I got five rap tapes from Tony for a discount, but still, I spent money I shouldn’t have.
I had to work Sat night 12-close. It wasn’t too bad. I got off at 3:15 but there was no cool note on my car.
I woke up at ten and I felt really bad. I spent the day in bed. I got the flu. I threw up at 3. It’s the first time I’ve thrown up from being sick since 9th grade. My parents called. They had a shitty weekend in Firth at the music festival. I guess it was too windy.
Monday, I was still recovering. The only “good” thing about being sick was that I felt too shitty to cry. I am still not quite up to speed. But I’m a lot better.
What am I supposed to do anyway? I work 7-1 every day, Josh works ’til 9, so we rarely have time for D&D. And you’re gone so I can’t hang with you.
Tonight, in my effort for something to do, since everyone was gone, I went to Anne’s Cosmic Comics for three hours. I bought two comics (more money I shouldn’t spend). Bri and Joel finally came out. When Alan called at 5 something, I started crying on the phone. I can’t listen to any music other than rap or I’ll cry (if I’m not too sick).
But, I can’t hang out with Anne much. She’s No Left Stoning it tomorrow and then going to see Al on Thursday.
And, Stacie’s coming back Thursday. So I’m alone… By the way, I hoped you like the card. (I know you did!). I didn’t get yours yet, I’m still waiting.
I wish you’d call me. I love you. I had a fleeting thought to try and get a hold of your parents to try and talk to you, but I did’t htink it woudl help. Did I tell you that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me? “Though we’ve come to the end of the road, I can’t let go. It’s unnatural. You belong to me, I belong to you.”
I guess now I’m just rambling. I guess I hope that somehow this will be some kind of substitute for you, but actually it’s pretty lousy.
I have two pictures of you right by my bed, next to my phone. I can turn my head and see you at any time. When are you coming back?
What kind of cruel, unfair, twisted world is this that I’m expected just to let you go without any resistance?
Aaaaaahh!
I wish you’d call. It’s about 11:45 pm. You’re probably not even there yet. At seven this morning I thought about you and how you’d probably just started out on the train. I wish I had your address.
I sit and wonder if you feel as bad as you did when you went home last weekend for a couple of days and tried to call the Isle and I was never here. Do you feel like that? I feel worse than I ever have. Is that because of the way we had to end or because I love you so much and I might never see you again? Both I think.
All those times when we were together and I stayed happy because I knew there’d be plenty of sadness later. Boy, the later really sucks!
Good night. I love you. I’ll write you more tomorrow!
