Anita and I agreed early on to base our marriage on growing together. That meant a lot of communicating, sacrificing for the other person and making all decisions together. I used to describe it like we were two trees next to each other. We could grow separately without consideration of the other, but eventually there would be a distance between us. Or we could to let our branches intertwine and grow together, becoming one inseparable whole. And that’s what we did with a lot of hard work.
But now it feels like her “tree” is just gone, leaving my tree attempting to cling to branches that no longer exist. Everything we’re weaved together in our lives now reverts to half-complete.
I have been thinking that the more deeply you love, the more deep the pain of loss. Today I was imagining that I dug this deep well of love inside of me, but now the love that filled it is mixed with overflowing amounts of sadness. And there is no way to ever separate the two. They will always be intermixed forevermore.
Finally, I was thinking about this quote that I found in Jen-Pierre de Caussade’s “Sacrament of the Present Moment”:
Follow [God's] path when faith is so obscure and darkness obliterates everything and the path can no longer be discerned.
I envision it like I am on a path that I can only see the one step I am on. All around me is darkness. I take a step or maybe two but stop. Suddenly someone appears – maybe just for a minute – to encourage me to take one more step. Then they are gone. Maybe it was a phone call or a text message or IM or blog comment – but it got me to the next step. Then when I feel like I’m alone again, someone else pops in and says, “Just take one more step.” So I do. Occasionally, someone will stay with me for 30 minutes or an hour and I will take several steps with them. God keeps sending me all these people, especially when I feel the least likely to take a single more step. And most of the time it’s not the people I might think that appear. Maybe someone I have not spoken to in 20 years. Someone who knew Anita for a brief period of time in law school. Friends of friends who read this blog. Or even a stranger that I observe out in the world and I see God in them, I see their love. God keeps me going…
I’m sorry I get so deep when I respond to these things…I love metaphors… so its nearly impossible for me not to give my perspective
I’ve been trying to discern why I have been so drawn to read your blog. I didn’t know you well in college- and was pitiful in regards to staying in touch with Anita while you were in Atlanta… in wherever. So why NOW? Why is it that coming here to read this, and post songs to make people smile… why does it suddenly feel like something I”M not doing in and of myself?
I think You just hit the nail on the head if you ask me. God is keeping you going through other people. God is definitely helping to keep you going. And just so YOU know.. he is using YOU to keep OTHERS going. Yep.. its TRUE!
Why, even when my path is taking me into such unfamiliar territory… do I feel so TAKEN CARE OF? Sometimes I feel feel like I’m watching DaVinci working on His masterpiece in my life? I’m just this pathetic observer having no idea what i’m seeing transpire in front of me. But fully aware that I’m one of the luckiest people on earth to witness Him working. Does everyone have that perspective? Do I just think too abstractly?
You and Anita wouldn’t have been able to grow intertwined and as deeply-rooted as you did… without the awareness of God. Risky? Yes… I read about what you had together and a bit of me is saddened… because of what I ‘didn’t have’ in my own marriage. I think love is risky… real, deep love. I think you might be right- the pain of the loss being deeper, the deeper you love. Maybe some people marry ’safely’? And never get to experience what you two did… I don’t know, now I”m rambling.
I think, that with time, the emptiness that surrounds you because of the absence of her roots and the vast space around you where the soil has not filled in yet… will soon rise to meet you. I think it already is doing that. I think maybe, your roots will grow in interesting new directions and stretch out and give you a sense of being supported and nourished and connected and comforted. Cling to whatever you can… Maybe your roots will some day enjoy exploring the strange new space around them… and grow even stronger! Just a guess
I echo Emily’s thoughts. I knew Anita in Law School and at Kirkland and thought of her every now and again after you moved to Atlanta. Just a week or so before her death, I had a thought to call her, to see how you’re all doing, see if she could work on a matter if I had something come up in the Atlanta area. Anyway, having only recently found the love of my life after a difficult divorce a few years ago, and having lost our baby recently, I come to your blog every day to be inspired and to know that I am not alone, that loss is part of the human experience and, you’re absolutely right, the deeper you love, the deeper you lose. But it’s worth it. Hang in there, Greg. You are doing everything right.
Hi Greg,
I am preparing to go down to the house tonight to revisit our college years without Anita. It will feel good to be with friends and celebrate Anita. I was drawn to this page today. Your writing helps me in many ways. This tree metaphor speaks to me so heavily. My best friend, my Dad, died twenty two months ago. I have thought so many times that if I just hadn’t loved him so much I wouldn’t hurt this much now. If I hadn’t intertwined my tree so much with his, my tree wouldn’t seem so vulnerable now. I know many people who don’t have this love with their father and I know that I am the better for having loved him so deeply for 37 years before losing him. Yet, the pain is so raw. We both know that most married couples don’t love each other the way you and Anita do. I know you are both better for having that love. So are your children. But, I also know your pain is so raw. Prayers of peace to you.
Cindy
Honey, her tree isn’t gone. You have 3 children as proof, plus yourself. You are all still sustained by the roots and branches Anita brought together and you will forever be intertwined. Celebrate the wholeness of that relationship and know it was wonderful. Cling to her influence, her spirit and her soul because these are what makes you you today!