Pondering friendship

Why?
Why is it so hard to find good friends?
And when you do find them why is it so hard to keep them?
Aren’t we all looking for the same thing?
Someone you can tell anything to, and know its safe with them.
Someone who understands who you are, and won’t try and change you.
Someone who loves you even after all the stupid stuff you do.

Then why is it so easy to be surrounded by people but yet feel so alone
Why are the majority of our interactions superficial and meaningless?
How can I get asked how I am so many times and still feel like no one knows?
Sadly, in our culture the words “how are you?” serve only as a greeting
And an answer more in depth then a word or two is regarded as inappropriate
But why is that?
I want to be able to answer that question truthfully
Be able to tell you that I feel like my life is falling apart
But instead I answer “fine”
And we both go on with our lives
Facing our problems alone
When if we would have just shared what was really going on, we would have faced it together
Why don’t we then?
Is it the fear of rejection?
That if we let someone in deep enough to know we don’t have it all together they will be appalled
Or is it a deeply rooted un-trust
Our past experiences defining the way we interact today.
Will we ever be able to get past this superficial level on a daily basis?
Why is it so hard?
Why is it that friendship takes years to grow?
But seconds to destroy.

And then I wonder.
What am I doing to change this?
Am I taking the first step to go deeper?
Am I being that friend that I want so bad?
When you mess up will I still love you?
How can I expect to find that friend if I am not willing to be that friend?
How can I expect someone else to trust me, when my un-trust is too deep to do the same?

So here I am
Wanting to find that friend
But wondering how anyone could love a failure like me?
And it hits me
Aren’t we all failures, with our insecurities and mistakes?
So why don’t we open up and find common ground in our imperfections
The best friendships are not based on a facade of perfection
But on the knowledge that we make mistakes, but will still love each other through it.

And yet why are good friends so hard to find,
So hard to keep,
And so hard to be?

My 16 year old niece wrote this poem a couple of days ago. I was pretty amazed by her introspection and analysis. I don’t think I analyzed the nature of friendship until I was around 30 years old.

My comment to her was that a true friendship is like any other relationship: it takes two people willing to put someone else before themselves. To find someone willing to do that, you also need a connection (shared interests, values, experiences, etc) and that’s not simple to find.

My experience is that you need to give more than you expect to receive. And if both friends do that, well, you end up with a pretty special friendship. And you should cherish and nurture those friendships forever.

I spoke with one of Anita’s old friends today who was mentioning how hard it was to make new, good friends (especially at our old age of late 30s). We agreed that it is even harder to stay connected to friends when you move away from each other and can no longer per involved in each other’s lives in person.

My final thought:
Sometimes people say “how are you?” to me and they just mean “hello”.
Sometimes people really mean “how are you?” but I am too weary to tell them.
Sometimes people ask “how are you?” and I can give them a brief but truthful answer.
I love all of those people, regardless of my answers.