It’s Not About Me

Okay, it’s been two months since I wrote on this blog. If I had written every time I thought about writing, I would have written 40 times. Instead I was busy, tired, overwhelmed – basically, struggling. Great things happened in the last two months, but they were often overshadowed by bitter, painful feelings. Such is life, but I’m not going to dwell on that.

I have been feeling really bad about myself lately. God asked me to grow closer to Him, to truly have a personal relationship with Him. But He also asked me to grow in my character, to leave behind those sinful, self-destructive ways to become the bright light He designed me to be. And I felt like such a failure. I could not do, simply could not. I told myself  that God would not give me a task if He didn’t know I could do it, but in moments of grief and stress those things seemed overwhelming.

I even talked to some of my friends about this last weekend. “Give yourself a break,” they said (I’ve heard that a lot). “God know your circumstances.” And they were right.

But.

I have to live my best today because tomorrow is not promised. If I died TONIGHT, what will I say to God? “Sorry God, even though you told me to do something, even though you knew I could do it, I didn’t do it. I failed.” That’s not really the way I want to enter heaven.

No comes the cool part. My mom was visiting, and last month when she was here she mentioned Max Lucado, the author. I grabbed the Lucado book “It’s Not About Me” from Anita’s bookshelf and showed it to her. She skimmed it and left it in the guest room. This month, though, she starts reading it and yesterday she says, “You HAVE to read chapter 10.”

So I did. And Chapter 11. And Chapter 12. WOW! God’s talking to me here, and all those struggles of the last two months got their lids blown off.

Lesson 1: I was focusing on me when I should have been focusing on God.

“Separating you and God is…an insurmountable flood of imperfection and sin. Do you think that by virture of your moral muscle you can push this vessal to the surface?”

Well print that up and tape it to Greg’s Wall. Um, yes was my answer until I read this. Here was me trying to overcome the insurmountable floor with my own will. Can’t be done. Only God’s grace has that kind of strength. So I had to let go fo the idea that I have anythign to do with it. My job it to focus on Him and He will do it.

Lesson 2: My body is a rental.

This sad, broken down body of mine belongs to God, not me. He’s lent it to me during my time on this earth. If I lent you my car, I would not expect to ge it back wrecked. But here God has given me this body to use, and i have neglected and abused it. Shame on me. God certainly can’t be happy with this, and this neglect causes problems for me mentally and spirtually too! So I can’t keep treating my body like it’s my own. It’s a treasured gift from God that he expects us to keep in good shape.

Lesson 3: My pain has a purpose: to reflect the glory of God.

God allows good and bad things to happen for one reason: to use to reveal His glory. (I am sure I worded that wrong.) Have I been selected to struggle for God’s glory? Obviously. And I am humbled and grateful to be selected. People have written me to say they are inspired by the things I wrote about Anita or how I handle my life. But both Anita and I are simply people used by God to show His glory. I will take no credit nor claim any for Anita. All glory be to God!

My entire demeanor and attitude changed today. I found another box of papers and inside was Mother’s Day cards and my birthday cards from May 2002. I read them all and sobbed. But I suffered happily! Praise God!

Today I started reading Lucado’s book from the front, making it through five chapters so far. I expect to finish it by tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it ends.