There’s a funny feeling that comes over you when someone looks you in the eye and reveals a truth about yourself that you had been avoiding for some time. It’s not anger. It’s not sadness. It can’t be denial. It’s more like a hard, cold, but almost welcome acceptance of a very difficult truth. And in that moment it feels almost like you’ve known this truth the whole time, you just didn’t want to admit it to yourself or anyone else. But this other person has called your bluff. It is painful. No doubt it is scary. But it is also a sweet relief. Because now, you can stop lying to everyone and, more importantly, to yourself.
That’s what it’s like when you’re always pretending to be something you’re not. You’re lying. To everyone. To yourself. Like the gay man who is married with three children. (I think that’s why Brokeback Mountain appealed to so many people.) Because people could really identify with the underlying truth, the all-consuming pain, of living a lie.
Now, I don’t have to lie anymore. And that feels good.
October 21, 2006
Greg’s note: This was written immediately after she decided to quit her job at the firm. Her lie was that she cared about the firm more than the rest of her life. That was one of her biggest struggles, not being able to be really true to herself.
Further, if you knew Anita, you knew that she was the one who was likely to point out the difficult truth about YOU. Her blunt honestly was coupled with caring and wanting to see you be a better person. I was one of the biggest benefactors of that, but many others were also.
